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If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

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Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

I want to quote your post in my blog. It can?
And you et an account on Twitter?

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

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Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

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Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

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Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

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Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

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Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

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Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

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Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

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A hen is only an egg�s way of making another egg.

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[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

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In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

That Your Snoring

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

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The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

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The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

Stop Snoring First

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

Hi there, what's up you guys???

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

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A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

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People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

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Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

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Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

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The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

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What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

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If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

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Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

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I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

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The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

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Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

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Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

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For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

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Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

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The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

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No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

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No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

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Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

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I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

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Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Hi there, what's up you guys???

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Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

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Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

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Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

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Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

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Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

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Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI�!

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

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Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

Excellent site. It was pleasant to me.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

It is the coolest site, keep so!

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

I want to say - thank you for this!

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

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The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

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The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

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If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

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Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

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Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

The truth is more important than the facts.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

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Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

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The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

Why don't you write books people can read?

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I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

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Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

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I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

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A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

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To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

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You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

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There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

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Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

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Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

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Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

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I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

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Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

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Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

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I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

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I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

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In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

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Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

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Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

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Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

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Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

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Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

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Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

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A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

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Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

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Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

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Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

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We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

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I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

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Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

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A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

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A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

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Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

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Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

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I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

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We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

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Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

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Aloha!