February 17, 2008
Mass Effucked
I'm taking advantage of the long weekend to take care of all of my errands. It's pretty refreshing.
...Okay, I'm a liar. I'm replaying Mass Effect, and it's still pretty fun considering that I've basically restarted it twice. My latest colossal screw-up was not ramping up my techs' decryption abilities and scratching my head wondering why I couldn't break into the armory locker of Colonel Hackdicks from the Fuckface Division.
I've also taken it upon myself to make the completely mature decision of choosing to bone the human chick this time instead of the alien-chick. Sorry, Liara, but "Once you go blue, you never go back" is a lie. It's sort of telling that in order to woo the human female, Ashley Williams(hurrr Evil Dead reference, there are never enough of those in videogames these days), you have to be a racist(human-racist? You have to hate aliens.) God-squaddie who loves killin'. Who is this fucking woman anyway, the future demon-seed of Dick and Lynne Cheney?
Either way, your rampant screwfest right before the end isn't much to call home over, as seeing your doppelganger bare-assing it with an alien or a surprisingly shapely Neo-Republican through a very blurry filter is probably worth about 0.23 nanoseconds in the average male's spank bank. This is problematic. Therefore, I plan to write a letter to Bioware in which I outline the need for them to make the sequel with an option where you can fuck your way throughout space without firing a single shot, cumshots notwithstanding.
Don't like the way that salarian general is treating his Krogan detainees?
Rape him.
Once you free the detainees? They will grovel at your feet and beg for your angry piston-like pelvic thrustings.
Rinse and repeat...throughout the entire galaxy.
It will be the game that makes Jack Thompson fling himself from a bridge in a fit of rage. Don't let me and the rest of the gaming community down, Bioware. You understand your mission now. Go forth and make it reality.
Posted by Jake at February 17, 2008 06:05 PM
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