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March 11, 2007

Raiders Of The Lost Hick Town

So. T-minus 17 days until I head back to Texas for a visit with the family. Granted, it’ll only be about five days, but I’d be a liar if I said that I didn’t have my reservations (or that I wasn’t looking forward to it on some base level).

I’ve decided that the first meal that I have upon setting down in the home state will be a double bacon Whataburger with cheese combo. As much as I’m a fast-food elitist, I fucking miss Whataburger with a passion.

That being said, I plan on partaking in much more unhealthy food along the way, with respect to my mom’s infamous chicken-fried steak and mashed potatoes, my stepdad’s steaks, and my uncle’s barbecue. I’ve also lined up plans to have a few meals at the local greasy-spoon diner just to soak up the backwoods ambiance. I’ll be paying my penance for a while once I make it back to healthier environs.

I’m also looking forward to seeing my step-granddad and my grandmother. I love them both, and would love to see my grandma again and share a drink with my step-granddad once more. It’s kinda making me nostalgic for the days when my granddad was still around, but my step-granddad’s a great guy too, and tougher than goddamn boot leather.

Friends? Mike and DJ specifically, along with whomever else I may encounter along the way. I miss my boys sometimes, so it’ll be good to at least walk old sacred ground and shoot the shit with them.

Honestly, most of me can’t wait to get back to nature. To breathe the fresh air, to smell the fresh hay and grass, to see the greenness of the trees and the crops…I plan on spending a lot of time in the sticks getting re-acquainted with the land.

My worries? Drunk driving. Thanks to the Southern Baptist Teetotalling Bullshit Society of East Texas, the county in which I reside is a dry county, leaving those who like to imbibe to have to drive fifteen miles to the VFW Post and get shitfaced therein, whereupon they mostly get into accidents on backroads and run the risk of drunk driving in the very first place. Gotta love the fact that the evangelical assholes preach about the evils of liquor right before they head to the Van Zandt County Country Club to drink away their lunch hour. Fuck those guys.

And that’s the main thing that I’m not looking forward to. The hypocrisy. The redneck bullshit. The racism. The stupidity. For as much as I love the land on which I grew up, I fucking despise some aspects of the culture. Sure, you have the Southern hospitality, but you also have the inherent disdain of anyone who isn’t white as a fucking sheet or as Christian as Jesus.

So, I’ve got a fair bit of interesting road ahead of me, but I’d be a liar if I said I wasn’t looking forward to it in some ways. It’ll be interesting, and in the worst case, I’ll have some pictures for you guys.