July 07, 2006
Confession Time.
No, I'm not gay.
It's much more severe than that.
I occasionally miss East Texas.
Despite the fact that my mom can drive me up the wall in less than five seconds flat, and my stepdad tends to piss me off, I love them. I'd like to see them, but it's not a complete "OMG GOTTA BE THERE" necessity.
I miss the god-awful artery-clogging chicken fried steak with gravy and mashed potatoes that my mom would make. I miss good barbecue and cornbread. I miss Cajun food and Tex-Mex cuisine. I miss fields of green grass, trees taller than 10 feet that aren't palms. I sort of miss the dumbass slack-jawed yokels.
I miss fresh air.
I don't miss the racist bullshit. Fuck the KKK, fuck any moron that gets all up in arms when they see anyone that's not white strolling their streets. If every hateful piece of white trash that weakly clings to the idea that somehow their color makes them better than every other culture died tomorrow, I wouldn't shed a tear. You want to preach intolerance? Fine. I'm preaching intolerance of intolerance. How's that shit for a moral quandary?
I don't miss the rampant fundamentalist Christian/Southern Baptist drama. Always playing the fucking victims, yet not hesitating to point the finger at everyone else for their shortcomings as human beings. Fuck you all for condoning half of the crap that you people do in God's name. Fuck you for thinking that your religion automatically makes you better than everyone else that treads this planet, and fuck you for passing judgment on them. You think your religion gives you precedent over all the people who don't subscribe to your bullshit? You're sheep. My having a brain and my capability of individual thought gives me precedent over you idiots.
I don't miss those who glorify stupidity. Read a fucking book. Get some perspective. Stop wallowing in the fact that you're so simple-minded, because it's not entertaining anybody besides yourself and your sister, and she's been giving you the eye like she's going to lay some pussy on you. Who knows, maybe that's what you want.
I don't miss those who blindly swear allegiance to their leaders without remembering the fact that this country was founded by people who would have kicked the shit out of the current leader and left him high and dry for being such an oppressive, nonsensical idiot. Disliking your current ruler doesn't make you un-American. It means you still have a conscience.
I don't miss the patronizing assholes who think that gays and lesbians shouldn't be allowed to marry. You've been divorced five times, you stupid fuck. If you cared anything at all about this "sanctity of marriage" that you're always prattling on about, you'd have made it work by the second or third time. If you think that it's impossible to love someone of the same sex, don't forget that little fling that you had with the prize lamb at the FFA convention. You weren't even the same species, but when you gasped and dug your fingers into that soft wool while softly weeping to yourself, you didn't think "JESUS CHRIST IN HIVVEN I'M BEIN IM-MORAL!".
And if you happen to own any Larry the Cable Guy memorabilia, stop where you are and call me with your address so that I can come over and beat your genitalia with an oak table leg.
In short, if someone would just mail me some decent barbecue, decent Cajun food, and some of my mom's chicken fried steak, I'd appreciate it. Thanks.
Posted by Jake at July 7, 2006 11:26 PM
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