May 21, 2006
Put A Bullet In Your Local Radio Tower Before They Breed
Just to clarify a little something for the kiddies:
Listening to pus-encrusted douchenozzle mall-punk and mall-goth bands such as Avenged Sevenfold, HIM, and Fall-Out Boy does not make you cool.
Aside from having names that would be more fitting on the cover of gay fetish-porn mags, there are no redeeming qualities to any of these bands. Even their so-called "music" has the power to make deaf children scream "TURN IT THE FUCK OFF" before taking their own lives. These sweaty, bloated heirs to the thrones of Korn and Limp Bizkit are not even worth a cursory glance.
There's so many more good bands...so many more remotely terrible bands, even, that deserve more attention than these cock-jockeys. If you have to name your radio single "Rip Off The Wings Of A Butterfly", chances are you're too much of a vamping emo pussy to actually even bother going outside (yes, beware the giant heat star), catching a butterfly, and doing the deed yourself. You might not even know what the fuck a butterfly is. And no, it doesn't have a myspace account, you weiner.
Then there's She Wants Revenge, a bland group that could easily be renamed "Interpol for the Frat Dumbass Spilling Natural Light On His Cum-Dumpster Girlfriend". Somehow these guys managed to make people actually enjoy outdated synth beats and masturbatory lyrics about relationships and people and blah blah blah. Maybe it's supposed to be dramatic and edgy, or maybe they're working the hipster irony angle because they have no lives, but it all comes off sounding like an Apple II reading a trashed script from "Days of our Lives".
I know I'm jaded. I know that I don't have much room to talk, what with my open love for country music and cock-rock. But there's a difference between liking something that has some significance at some point, and liking something that's just bottom-of-the-barrel mass-produced bullshit, shilling another name brand for the kids with skateboards and chain wallets to latch on to. Example: You've got the pretentious fanatics that go batty over a painting in the Louvre, you've got the people that acknowledge the painting, enjoy it for what it is, and move on, then you've got the fucks that look at a screen-printed watercolor in the doctor's office waiting room and think that it's high art. The latter = the bland band fans. They settle for shit because it's all they expose themselves to. God forbid they actually get drunk enough off of Boone's Farm to fall against their stereo, knock the Weezer CD out of rotation, and be exposed to some Mahler or Delfonics on a late-night FM radio show.
Because that other music doesn't get you laid, unless you're a tubby dreadhead in a Jhonen Vasquez t-shirt who macks on 16 year-old groupies after the latest Avenged Sevenfold show.
Even then?
You're still never going to get laid.
Posted by Jake at May 21, 2006 08:53 PM
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