October 29, 2005
Simple Things That Piss Me Off To No End, Part I
Things that agitate the living crap out of me:
-Popped collars. Oh, how I long to rip that strip of fabric from around your neck and stuff it up your faux-preppy ass. PROTIP: Looking like you can't fucking dress yourself is really passe. Like, it was old in kindergarten.
-People who can't get off the goddamn cell phone to do something, whether it's buying groceries, renting a movie, whatever. I totally sympathize if it's an emergency, but if I hear "OH MIGOD AND THEN WE WENT TO MULLIGANS AND I GOT FALL-DOWN DRUNK AND BLEW TWELVE GUYS IN A PISS-SOAKED BATHROOM" I'm going to rip the phone away from you and throw it against the wall.
-People who brag about how drunk/stoned they got last night/are right now. Look, dude, you're 20-something years old. It's not tenth grade anymore, even though your IQ is still at a tenth-grade level. Please go play in traffic.
-People who call and complain to your office about a driver running a stop sign. It's almost impossible to resist jumping up out of the chair and screaming "HAVE YOU DRIVEN AROUND LOS ANGELES LATELY? AND YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT ONE PERSON? DON'T YOU HAVE SOMETHING BETTER TO DO? GO BACK TO WORK, FUCKER!" into the phone and then repeatedly slamming the mouthpiece against the desk until they hang up.
-Ever notice how the people who blast loud music out of their cars also have the worst taste in music...ever? Yes, I'm talking to you, fifty-something woman with ugly sunglasses who's squawking along to "Take My Breath Away". I wish your airbag would deploy and break your face.
-Reggaeton. If I have to hear one more half-assed Spanish rap song that goes along to the same shitty "bonk donka donk donk" beat, I'm going to strangle myself to death with my bare hands.
-Smug, self-righteous intellectuals. Acting like a pompous asshole doesn't necessarily dictate that you're smart, and your two master's degrees in social whatthefuckever won't hide the fact that you almost shocked yourself to death last week while trying to plug in an air-conditioning unit right after getting out of the shower.
-People who wear too much perfume/cologne/scented oils. I don't want to smell you, and I have no qualms about telling you that you reek like a garbage can filled with dead corpses that's been gang-banged by winos.
-People who bitch too much about pointless, inconsequential stuff. Wait, what?
Posted by Jake at October 29, 2005 07:01 AM
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